


pulling me in with palpable power

by heartthrobholtzy



Series: Speechless Scientists [4]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Don't worry, F/F, History of abuse, Holtzbert - Freeform, I'm so sorry, and they fuck, because they're nerds, i just love these fucking nerds, it's funny, no one should hurt holtz, oh no, probably smut, why am i writing this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-24 11:57:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8371453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartthrobholtzy/pseuds/heartthrobholtzy
Summary: Holtzbert take on homeownership, and fall deeper and deeper in love with each other, scars and all.





	1. Chapter 1

Holtzmann picked the pineapple off of her pizza before folding the slice and sticking it in her mouth in one giant bite.  
“Holtz!” Erin cried “You’re the one who made us get pineapple in the first place.” The blonde chewed, smirking.  
“I like pineapple-infused pizza, but the texture of pineapple on pizza is all wrong.” Holtz explained. Patty gave an exasperated sigh.  
“I kind of like it, you guys” said Abby, who had a slice in one hand and a beer in the other.  
“Didn’t I walk in on you eating leftover chow mein on leftover pizza last week?” chimed in Patty “You will eat literally anything on pizza. You don’t get an opinion.”  
“Whaaaat? Abby! You had chowzza without me?!” Holtz whined.  
“Oh, please. You two were making out on Erin’s desk at the time. I needed a palate cleanser.”  
“You still do that?” Erin pulled a face “She used to do that in college, too” she added to the rest of the group. “We didn’t even have a fridge in our dorm, so it was all room temperature. It was disgusting.”  
“Guys, I’m trying to eat here. I don’t need a mental image of the things these two” Patty gestured at Holtz and Erin “do in our place of business, and I do not need to hear about Abby’s college eating habits.”  
“Sorry, Patty” murmured Erin and Abby at the same time. Holtz just winked at Patty.  
“Patty. Patty. Pattycake. Patty. Guess what me and Erin did today. Guess. You’ll never guess.”  
“Holtzy, did I not just tell you I am eating. YOUR pineapple-infused pizza. I do not need to hear…”  
“We bought a house!” burst out Erin, her hands flailing excitedly near her mouth.  
“Good for you. I’m glad that sentence didn’t end with my desk.”  
“No, that was thursday.” winked Holtzmann. Patty threw her pizza on to her plate in annoyance.  
“Congratulations! Both of you!” Abby swooped in on Erin for a hug. “You guuuys, this is huge.”  
“We’re pretty excited.” blushed Erin “I mean, it’s a fixer-upper, so it’ll be a couple of months until we can move in…” Erin looked between her two friends. Abby froze, and Patty’s face dropped from a smile to a look of abject horror. Before Erin could say any more, she was speaking.  
“...No, no, nuh-uh, my apartment is so small, I mean…” Patty cast around frantically for an illustration of how small her apartment was “...my books are two deep on every shelf… I can’t, no way.”  
“Can’t you stay where you are until the house is ready?” asked Abby, looking unsure. Erin and Holtz exchanged glances.  
“There’ve been…” Erin started and then stopped, searching for an explanation.  
“A series of fires.” supplied Holtz, almost proudly.  
“Mistakes have been made.” Erin stated awkwardly. “Mistakes that have been learnt from.” All eyes were on Holtz, who was grinning at the floor in a way that strongly suggested she had learnt nothing.  
“I mean… You guys… I would love to have you stay sometime. Really. It’s just… Right now’s not a good time…” Abby looked earnestly between Erin and Holtz, two of the people she valued most in the world, desperate for them to understand.  
“That’s ok. We’ll manage.” Erin straightened her shoulder. “The movers are coming tomorrow, and everything is going into storage. We’ll just stay at the firehouse until we can move in.”  
“About that…” started Patty, but Abby shushed her.  
“Where’s the new place? You guys must be really excited, huh?”  
“Remember that spooky mansion on the park we saw a couple of weeks ago?” asked Holtzmann, all toothy grin and excitement  
“It is not a mansion, Holtz.” Erin corrected her, shaking her head.  
“Sure it is. We’re gonna call it Holtzbert Mansion.”  
“Oh my god, you bought that big, huge place? It’s perfect for you!” Abby seemed determined to be happy for them. “Tell me all about your plans.”


	2. Chapter 2

It’d been a tense month in the Firehouse. Their excitement and anticipation about the new house had been squashed by sleeping in a cupboard and having access to only a locker’s worth of clothes. They’d been living on takeout even more than usual.

If an emergency came in the evening or on the weekend, they were always the first in line to take it. Patty and Abby had been getting unprecedented amounts of beauty sleep, which Erin was sorely missing. Holtz had been sleeping less and less as the month wore on. Erin suspected that always being within screwdriving distance of all her best inventions was making it hard for Holtz to relax.

They were due to close on the house - which Holtz was still insisting on calling Holtzbert Mansion - this Friday, and all going well they would have the weekend to get things ready before the first contractors arrived on Monday morning. Holtzmann had sulked when Erin had insisted that they hire professionals, but Erin had been unmoving. Abby had let Holtz assemble a dining set she’d bought at Ikea once, and now her apartment was full of frankenfurniture that Holtz insisted was ‘just how they do things in Sweden’.

Erin had A List Of Things To Do over the weekend, and she was looking over it, feeling content and in control for the first time in a month, when a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind, and a blonde head rested on her shoulder.  
“Hey you.”  
“Hey yourself. You left something off the list.”  
“What?” Erin’s throat tightened. What could she possibly have forgotten?  
“Something v-e-r-y important.”  
“What is it, Holtzmann?” Erin asked again, impatiently.  
“You forgot to put ‘do it in every room’ on there.”  
“Holtz!” Erin tutted, smiling, feeling the tension melt away.  
“You guys realize I’m right here, right?” asked Patty, from the desk opposite. “Making reading about Victorian Pennsylvania real awkward for me here.”  
“Why Pennsylvania, Patty? Planning a vacation?” Erin asked. Holtz elbowed her in the ribs as Patty sighed a deep sigh.  
“Dork. Lincoln College is in Pennsylvania.”  
“Thank you, Holtzmann. I’m glad someone is paying attention around here.” Patty glared at Erin. Erin opened her mouth to ask what she was missing, and closed it again.  
“I have to get this commencement speech done. If you two aren't working, can you go make eyes at each other or whatever in the lab or something?”  
“Sure thing, Patty.” Holtz answered, clapping Patty on the shoulder on her way out of the room. Erin followed silently, her eyes stinging, her hands balled into fists by her sides.

“What was that?!” Erin hissed at Holtzmann as soon as she closed the heavy, lead-lined door to the second-floor lab. Holtzmann just shrugged.  
“She's going to collect her honorary PhD and give a speech this weekend. Guess it's got her pretty crabby. Crabby. Get it? Crabby Patty. Like on Spongebob.” Erin stared blankly.  
“...at Lincoln College?” she asked, unsure. Holtz sighed an exasperated sigh.  
“Yes, babe. Guess you're all tangled up in the move and you're pretty crabby too, huh?”  
“I just don't remember her telling us.” Erin blushed. Holtzmann stepped forward and put her arms around Erin.  
“You're not getting enough sleep, Gilbert.” she said. “Trust me, I'm a doctor.”  
“You're the expert in not getting enough sleep, huh?” Erin rested her head on Holtzmann's shoulder. “Do you feel like she and Abby have been off lately? Or am I just being crabby?”  
“Not my forte, babe. Do you wanna sit and make eyes at me while I work?”


	3. Chapter 3

Holtzmann was twiddling with a proton pistol that kept getting stuck. Her best guess was that either a stray bit of ectoplasm had magnetised a ball bearing, there was some dark matter stuck in there somewhere, or else maybe the universe just didn't think Patty ought to have access to small arms. Erin read aloud her list while Holtzmann worked, and Holtzmann grunted her assent at each item, occasionally suggesting additions or amendments.

The first order of business was to rewire the house. It would involve a significant amount of destruction, so Holtzmann was pretty psyched. Then the large basement was being sectioned off, adding a decontamination shower, and a laundry room.

“No babe, the laundry needs to be right at the bottom of the stairs, so the kids can get their clothes without wandering through my lab.” Holtz corrected Erin absent-mindedly, not even looking up. Erin’s eyes widened.  
“The… kids…” Erin began. Holtzmann looked up, her face a mask of panic.  
“Or guests, or you, or anyone. No one should be exposed to my lab more than they have to be, ha ha.”  
“Holtz…” There was a moment of silence so tense that Erin thought she might suffocate.  
“Why don't we…” Holtzmann's voice was steady, but her speech was slow and stilted. “Circle back to this conversation when… We’re not both sleep-deprived and… When we’re not moving into our Lesbian Dream House in four days time?” Erin nodded, her words still stuck under the lump in her throat.  
“You're right, about the sleep thing. I might go get some coffee. You want anything?” Holtzmann’s focus had already transferred back to the proton pistol in her hand. She shook her head without looking at Erin.

As soon as the door banged back into place after Erin had left the lab, Holtz put her head on her desk and let out a long, frustrated groan.

 


	4. Chapter 4

“I just had, uh, a weird conversation with Holtzmann…” Erin started.

“Oh, I thought you wanted to talk about the second edition of the book.” said Abby as she settled into the comfiest sofa in the coffee shop.

“Oh, I do, I do…” lied Erin, who hadn't even gotten round to checking the updated edition yet. “Just making conversation.” She smiled a tight smile and forged ahead. “I’m wondering about the ethics of sharing the specifics of our tech, especially after Rowan...” Erin had sat through many of Abby's rants about the importance of open source in STEM, and Abby predictably had a lot to say.

Erin tried to pay attention, she really did. But all she could think about was Holtz. Her gravity-defying blonde curls spilling over a pair of goggles, high-fiving a nine year old version of herself. Two pairs of overalls covered in mysterious singe marks, two toothy grins, four heavy rubber insulating gloves.

Erin sipped her soy latte. Abby was burbling angrily about elitist institutions halting scientific progress.  
“You ever think about having kids?” Erin blurted out.  
“What? No. Why? Are you even listening?”  
“Corrupt elitist institutions, scientific transparency. Just thinking. Sorry.” Abby’s expression softened.  
“Is this about what Holtz said?” she asked. Erin nodded in response. Abby sighed.  
“No, I don’t ever think about having kids. The whole idea still freaks me out. Holtz… I don’t know. You should talk to her about that. Me, you should talk to about how open source science intersects with a recently deceased paranormal entity’s right to privacy.”  
“Uh… Is that something we need to worry about?” Erin asked, refocusing on the topic at hand.


	5. Chapter 5

They had barely stepped out of the coffee shop when they heard a strange voice calling their names.  
“Ms. Gilbert! Ms. Yates!” A man Erin didn’t recognise, but a goading way of saying ‘Ms.’ that she did. Erin’s mouth tightened, and she tried to increase her pace.  
“Ms. Gilbert!” came a different voice. Erin resisted the urge to turn, to engage in any way. There might just be two photographers, there might be twenty. Someone in the coffee shop must have sent a tip in to the paparazzi. Normally, they weren’t too interested in the Ghostbusters - they were middle-aged scientists in jumpsuits, after all - but it must be a slow news day.  
“Abby? You ready to run?” she took Abby’s hand in hers, and they wordlessly started sprinting. 

Abby and Erin arrived at the firehouse ragged-breathed but relieved, and slammed the heavy door shut behind them.  
“Guys! GUYS!” Abby yelled, breathless. Holtz immediately slid down the fireman’s pole, her feet on the pole, her legs straight. It was a fast descent, but she neatly landed on her feet.  
“What? What’s up? Are you ok? Erin? What happened?” she sounded panicked.  
“I’m fine, I’m ok Holtz.” Erin was still doubled over, breathing hard.  
“Fricking paparazzi. At least a dozen of them.” said Abby between gasps. “Be careful about going outside.” Holtz nodded, her eyes still focused on Erin.  
“Didn’t punch anyone this time, Gilbert?” her gaze was intense, and Erin knew she was really asking if they had upset her. She smiled, her breathing returning to normal, trying to convey that she she wasn’t too shaken.  
“Patty? PATTY!” Abby was yelling. She shook her head in frustration. “She must have her headphones on.” She headed up to the little library on the third floor.

As soon as Abby’d passed from view, Holtz was on her, knocking the air out of her lungs, clinging to her with arms and legs, nearly unbalancing Erin. Holtz was more out of breath than she was now.  
“It’s ok, Holtz. I’m ok.” she said soothingly into the mass of blonde curls. She could feel Holtz nodding against her neck, but she didn’t move to get off, or loosen her grip at all. Somewhere in the firehouse, a phone rang. Erin didn’t dare move, though her legs were starting to ache. Holtzmann’s breathing was returning to normal. It felt like they stood there forever, just holding each other, Erin desperate to make Holtz feel safe. 

“We’ve got a call!” Abby called down the stairs. “Suit up!”

Holtz reluctantly dismounted.  
“I guess we should get ready.” Erin said awkwardly.  
“I didn’t know you could hold me up for that long, Gilbert.” Holtz was smiling, her voice low. “We should try that again sometime.” Erin felt herself flush. Holtzmann winked and left the room.


	6. Chapter 6

**GAYBUSTERS**

**The city rejoices today as** **_Tabloid_ ** **can exclusively reveal that Dr. Abby Yates and Dr. Erin Gilbert - the founding members of The Ghostbusters, the paranormal investigators who are rumoured to have caused the massive shutdown across New York City last year - are in love. It’s unknown when their romantic relationship started, but you can see the pair holding hands as they leave a cosy coffee date in midtown’s trendy** **_Esther’s Espresso_ ** **.**

Erin flopped her head into her hands on top of the newspaper Kevin had brought in this morning. Her mom had figured out how Google Alerts worked, and set one up for Erin’s name while she was still at Columbia ‘ _so I can read all about your exciting research, darling’_ , and this trash would be in her inbox this morning. It was infuriating. Erin knew that she was a particular target for certain tabloid rags since she had punched that blogger, but she hadn’t expected this level of blatant untruth.

And it raised questions. Questions she hadn’t anticipated having to answer, ever. Did she need to tell the world about Holtz? Was it disrespectful to keep their relationship private? Would going public cause problems with their work? Would being open about it let a generation of girls know that you could be a successful lady scientist and have a wife too?

Erin sighed. She could hear the telltale squeak of the fireman’s pole. Holtz was about to walk in, and Erin would have to tell her all about this mess, and explain that she and Abby were just holding hands so they didn’t lose each other running from the photographers.

“Morning, Gilbert. When were you going to tell me about your torrid affair with the other ‘founding member’ of the Ghostbusters?” Holtz breezed in.  
“You already know?!” Erin asked, incredulous.  
“Yeah, I have a Google Alert set up. You ok? Anyone you need to call?” Erin smiled and shook her head.   
“My mom knows about… Us. She won’t believe this trash, I just wish she didn’t have to see it. I’m sorry about this, it’s not true, not that...”  
“Pfft, obviously. Abby doesn’t date. Want me to hack into your mom’s email and erase all trace of this?” Holtz offered, hoisting herself onto the kitchen counter. Erin was too shocked to tell her to sit on a stool like a normal person.  
“Can you do that?!” Erin burst out.  
“Probably not.” Holtz admitted. “But I know a girl who can.”


	7. Chapter 7

Erin’s mother called before she got the chance to find out whether Holtz really did know a genius computer hacker woman who would help a friend of a friend with a tiny, stupid problem like getting into their mother’s email account. The call was brief and reassuring, _of course I know it’s nonsense, dear, I just wanted to check in._ Erin knew she would probably never trust her mother in the same way she had as a child, but who did? Their relationship was scarred, and imperfect, but it was as healed as it was going to get.

“Everything ok?” Holtz asked, pulling her gloves off and her goggles up. “I can set fire to something if that would cheer you up.”  
“It’s fine, my mom says hi.” Erin gave an awkward little wave. “Do you need to call anyone and tell them your girlfriend’s not secretly in love with your best friend?” she teased.

It was the wrong thing to say. Holtzmann froze, her tongue still sticking out in the awkward face she’d been pulling when Erin spoke.   
“Ooh, boy.” she muttered under her breath. “Uhh…” Holtz eyes cast around the room frantically. “...Family’s real religious. Not the good kind. Lotsa kids. Homeschooling. Not big on vaccines, global warming, or being queer.”  
“Oh my god, Holtz, Did-, I mean, do you want-, I’msosorry.” Erin was so desperate to apologize, to get the panicked look off of Holtzmann’s beautiful face, that she was rushing it, she was ruining it. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m… I’m so sorry, Holtz.” The blonde leaned on the work table and cocked her head in a winsome way. Her voice returned to its usual cocky purr.  
“Not your fault, Gilbert. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some highly unstable nuclear equipment that needs my attention.”

Erin tinkered with an equation on her whiteboard in the corner of Holtzmann’s lab. The math was currently suggesting that electromagnets didn’t really work, and that the Earth was helical instead of spherical. She started again from the beginning. Holtzmann had put her favourite 80’s compilation on ear-splittingly loud, and Erin could hardly think with over a hundred decibels of Cyndi Lauper screeching about girls wanting to have fun.

Should she turn the music down? Holtz was obviously upset. But Erin couldn’t get any work done. And it wasn’t good for Holtzmann’s hearing.

“Holtz?” There was no reply. “HOLTZ?”

The music abruptly switched off, so all Erin could hear was the clunking sound of Holtzmann’s screwdriver and her own ragged breath. She turned her attention back to the whiteboard, but images swam in front of her eyes - _a baby being smacked for exploring her playmat_ ; if f to the power of infinity minus e, _parents telling a toddler with blue eyes that she had dishonored God_ ; in a positively-oriented simple closed curve L = 1, _a blonde child being beaten for playing with the toy screwdriver because it was a ‘boy toy’;_  then the contour integer had to be...

Suddenly, in the quiet, Holtz spoke.  
“I have a sister. Married a dude in a grunge band, took me with her when they left on tour.” Erin’s heart broke at the thought of teenage Holtz in the back of a van full of dirty blankets and even dirtier dudes. “He’s a teacher now. They live upstate. Three kids. I... Could let them know.”  
Erin didn’t know what to say. She was so, so, so glad Holtzmann was free.  
“You know I love you, right?” Holtz smiled wanly in response and put down her screwdriver.  
“When I told Abby, she looked at me like that for a whole week.”  
“Look at you like what?” Erin asked, but her cheeks flamed. She knew what Holtz meant. Her face was betraying her pity. Holtz cackled.  
“I had to blow something up to get her to stop. I’ll do it again, Gilbert.”

Alarmed, Erin cast around for something, anything to ask.  
“Is that why you want kids? You’re used to having a big family?” She could have kicked herself the moment the words left her lips.

To Erin’s surprise, Holtz just laughed again. This time, softer.  
“I just think a tiny Erin Gilbert running around the place would be fun.” She picked up her screwdriver and disappeared back behind a large piece of metal.  
  
Erin spotted her mistake on the whiteboard. She’d accidentally assumed that Pi = 3.


	8. Chapter 8

The afternoon went quickly. The realtor asked Erin to fax over some last minute paperwork, and when Erin protested that _who even_ _owns a fax machine nowadays_ Holtzmann offered to build a time machine to take her back to 1995. Erin sighed.  
“Surely it's easier to just build a fax machine?” but Holtz had only cackled. In the end, Erin had simply taken the subway across town and delivered the documents by hand.

The journey back to the Firehouse ended up taking forever - it was rush hour, slow, stale, suffocating. Erin stood in the crush, clinging to the rail above her head and thought about what Holtz had said: _a tiny Erin Gilbert_.

The idea had never really occurred to her. Her child-self had been too anxious, too preoccupied, too aware of the immense rift between herself and the rest of the world. If she was being honest, it started even before Mrs. Martinez died, though that had solidified her sense of alienation. Erin had never thought about starting a family in terms of passing on her own genes.

Holtzmann, on the other hand... She was like a big kid anyway. Cocky, imaginative, overflowing with joy. It was easy to imagine a miniature version of her girlfriend, zipping around on roller shoes, taking apart the tv to see how it works, tongue poking out while she fitted her astronaut Halloween costume with LEDs. It was all too easy for Erin to picture.

Harder to picture was Holtz with long hair, wearing a dress, going to church… any of the other realities of her childhood. Maybe Holtz had had skinned knees and a secret stash of wires, but maybe she too had grown into herself, and into accepting her feeling of otherness, in adulthood.

The train lurched forward as it exited the subway station. Only one more stop to go.

The unexpected downpour that had started the minute Erin walked up the subway steps felt like a personal attack.  
“Hey!” Abby called over the back of the sofa as Erin hastily hung up her sopping wet jacket. “Get over here, it’s Roadhouse. Food’s on its way!” Patty shushed Abby.  
“This is the best part!”

Erin trudged upstairs to change into dry pyjamas. She pulled on a pair of cozy bottoms covered in spooky ghosts wearing Santa hats, and was rummaged through her locker. No clean t-shirts, just a silk blouse with a frilly neck.

Erin furtively looked around her. Her girlfriend wouldn't mind if she borrowed a t-shirt, right? Holtz wore so many layers that she always had tons of clothes lying around. She probably wouldn't even notice.

She took a deep breath and reached for Holtzmann’s locker.

The bang was instant, deafening. Something was touching her face, falling all around her, the building must be falling apart. Holtzmann’s recklessness had finally caught up to her, she had left something dangerous in her locker. Her ears rang. Dazed, Erin slowly realized that it wasn't the room crumbling, but confetti falling, and that _someone was laughing_.


End file.
